FIRST PLACE: Abraham Lincoln: Kentuckian or Kenyan?

SECOND PLACE: The War on Indian Aggression

THIRD PLACE: Mission Accomplished: The Alamo

HONORABLE MENTION:

The Texas Contribution to the Revolutionary War

1835-1850: Americans Liberate Texas Territory from Mexican Illegal Immigrants

Union Joins Texas

Harriet Tubman: Employee of the Week

1865: The Confederacy Agrees to Call it a Draw

Fillmore’s Folly: California Admitted to Union

Pearl Harbor: God’s Punishment on a New Deal President

Decade of Dictators: Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, and FDR

Joe McCarthy: The Humble Senator Who Saved us from Communist Takeover

The Not-So-Great Society

Democrats Gone Wild: The Women’s and Civil Rights Movements

Victory in Vietnam

Ronald Reagan and all Those Other Presidents

Gore Tries to Steal the Presidential Election

George Bush: Misunderestimated

How Gay Marriage Caused September 11th

Cheney’s Enhanced Interrogation Techniques Save America

Benedict Arnold, The Rosenbergs, and Obama

American Heroes Who Wrote Speech Notes on Their Hands

Copied and distributed by Walt Bittle – April 2011

Fritterati (n): A word used to describe the nouveau-rich who just fritter away money on more and more flashy things to impress their peers

Mallzheimer’s Syndrome (n): The inability of a shopper to remember where they parked the car in a shopping center parking lot

Micronesia (n): Small, mini-bursts of amnesia brought about when leaving a room to get something, usually solved by returning to one’s seat

Nagivator (n): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver, usually with a smug, told-you-so attitude

Narcleptomaniac (n): A person who habitually steals other’s sleep, such as a newborn child or an habitual snorer

Netflux (n): The time period between the arrival of home-delivered DVD’s

Permafat (n): the last few pounds of weight a dieter just can’t seem to lose

Phooey Vuitton (n): a substandard, counterfeit, knockoff of any brand name product such as, but not limited to, Louis Vuitton

Sandboni (n): A vehicle used to smooth the sand on popular tourist beaches

Wuzband (n): Any former spouse of the male persuasion

[And for those of you who feel like you’ve bean had when you bought the brokefast blend at the big drip-off store, here are some terms appropriate to the occasion: Mocha Dinero, Livin’ La Vida Mocha, Cost-a-latte, Excesso, Café Aumigod, Grounds for Divorce.]

Downloaded and upgraded by Walt Bittle – July 2010

These people were elected using buzzwords and bitterness, so they never had to reveal their ignorance to their constituents. Now that they are in office, they can’t possibly deal with the complexities of budgets, earmarks, entitlements, administrations, agencies, bureaus, revenue-sharing, ad infinitum. The best they can do is pay close attention to (and vote with) those who have been there for some time, especially the very persuasive lobbyists from well-funded special interest groups. These leeches on the body politic almost never have the welfare of the nation in mind – only the welfare of the uncommonly wealthy who control the common wealth. Buying politicians is always more cost effective than paying taxes.

That must be why we are starting at the bottom of every problem. These mental midgets are viciously attacking the poorest, the oldest, the youngest, the sickest, the most helpless, and the hardest working. While billions could be realized just by reducing the budget for war and reining in our financial robber barons, these small-minded idiots introduce “right-to-leech” bills and bills to destroy collective bargaining and PBS and Planned Parenthood and on and on. How in the world are those non-economic, drop-in-the-bucket, mostly-social issues going to effect any change in the deficit or the balance of trade or a Wall Street/banking establishment run amok?

We’re seeing more tax breaks and special privileges for the few, and more apathy and malice toward the many. The gaping chasm between very rich and very poor has become frighteningly obscene, while the great pretenders play around with ever more insignificant issues that won’t make one bit of difference in the economy. Those of us downhill from this economic catastrophe-in-the-making are the unfortunate recipients of the toxic sludge from this sewer of ignorance.

The middle class is sledding ever more rapidly into oblivion and extinction, and the orthodoxymorons are greasing the skids.

Walt Bittle – March 2011

(Honorable Mention if you can identify the classic TV show that got a lot of mileage out of that scenario.)

Ricardo West, a professional Michael Jackson impersonator (who staged “Michael Lives! The Michael Jackson Tribute Concert”) was charged in Allen Park, Michigan with 12 counts of . . . wait for it . . . . . . . . . child molestation.

Among the major league baseball players who spent time on the disabled list in 2010:
Kendry Morales (Angels), who broke his leg jumping on home plate after hitting a home run.
Brian Roberts (Orioles), who was out a week with a concussion after smacking himself in the head with his bat after striking out.
Chris Coghlan (Marlins), who needed knee surgery after giving a teammate a playful post-game shaving-cream pie.
Geoff Blum (Astros), who needed elbow surgery after straining his arm putting on his shirt.

Amount the State of California spent last year on each minor in its juvenile-detention system: $224,712

Amount the State spent on each student in the Oakland public school system: $4945

This just in from the Faux News Channel: it’s definitely a “mainstream media myth” that there is a link between matches, gasoline, and fire. “Gasoline and matches don’t start fires,” said Fox’s resident genius, Glenn Beck. “People start fires.”

Collected, edited, and upgraded by Walt Bittle – February 2011

They deny the overwhelming evidence for evolution and global warming; they deny that two useless, illegal wars have bankrupted the country; they deny that ALL American citizens deserve justice and basic health care. They pretend to understand and respect the Constitution, yet they scoff at our right to the separation of church and state as guaranteed by the First Amendment. They pretend that our economic problems can be solved by gutting “big government” and its essential services, especially education, welfare, and Social Security. They pretend to favor “getting government off our backs”, yet they insist on using the power of that government to destroy a woman’s right to make her own reproductive decisions. They are eminently hypocritical and almost totally without political ethics or religious morals – although many of them dredge up their alleged religious piety and hang it on their sleeves. Then they use their churches as Political Action Committees, and still expect them to remain tax-exempt and regulation-free.

It is almost impossible to carry on a civil discourse with these people, as we have with political opponents for more than 200 years. They have almost no legitimate political ideas – just buzzwords and bullshit. These extremists are strident, nonsensical, and dangerous, and they are gaining power, mostly by lying to the American people – and ignoring truth and reality when it suits their purpose. Time after time, progressives point out the ridiculousness of these people and their incessant lies, yet the messages are rarely disseminated by the mainstream media. Except for the rare clearly-partisan channel, the media still pretend to be unbiased reporters. They are afraid to take a stand against this obvious stupidity, lest they become the targets of the wingnuts and their evil minions. The time has come to drop this ridiculous pretense of “fair and balanced” reporting, since we all know it can’t be done.

Never in my lifetime have I been so concerned for the future of my country. The next few years, we may well have to go through the political Dark Ages until reason returns and we can throw off this epidemic of voluntary ignorance and deceit. For the sake of my children and grandchildren, I can only hope it’s a short Dark Ages – followed by a re-awakening of intelligent thought and an aversion toward idiots of all stripes.

Walt Bittle – February 2011

The Commissioners paid top dollar for a piece of property on Mockingbird Lane in southern Warrenton, and then proceeded to designate the official address as being on South Highway 47 – so out-of-towners could find it. Seemed to be a good idea at the time, until the City of Warrenton and the County 911 system balked – asserting their jurisdictional right to designate local addresses. That argument might have to be adjudicated.

Then the county started construction on their new Taj Mahal, which brought an almost immediate reaction from the city. They issued citations to construction people, which halted progress, of course. The county is refusing to pay the city for building permits, a lapse which the city alleges now amounts to $26,781.40. That argument will definitely go to court in February. [An obvious problem will be finding a judge not beholden to either entity.]

2. The Augusta Bottom Road Controversy
In southern Warren County, there is a rarely-used connecting road along which there are no residents – and the county doesn’t want to spend any money on it. The section of road in St. Charles County is paved; the section in Warren County is unpaved and very rough. After the second fatality in the last month, Warren County closed their section of the road – and there is some question as to which entity within the county owns that particularly dangerous right-of-way. One of the County Commissioners actually suggested moving the county line so paving the road would be the responsibility of St. Charles County. This argument, as specious as it is, just might get the State of Missouri involved.

3. The Connection
When the county sues the city and/or another county, who pays the legal bills? I do. When the city and/or county defends itself in court, who pays the legal bills? I do. And if the state enters the fray, I could be in real trouble. Donations gladly accepted.

Walt Bittle – Taxpayer – November 2010

Whatever the voters’ reactions, the current use of negative “attack” ads is certainly nothing new. They are obviously effective, and in many cases, the tactic that makes the critical difference in a close race. And why are these generally offensive tactics so effective? Because, except in rare instances, voting is an emotional endeavor. Voting is almost never an intellectual activity.

Why are these ads used so often? Well, when you listen carefully, the attack ads are the only political discourse that truly gives you any information. Like it or not, attack ads do tell you something – you might not want to hear it, but it is information that should make you think. It’s up to you to listen to or read other sources that measure what in the ad was semi-true and what was pure BS – many times too late to be refuted.

Almost every campaign will eventually run a series of warm-fuzzy, positive ads which, in the final analysis, tell you next to nothing. Sure, the candidate’s in favor of mom and apple pie and family values – and against “job-killing taxes” and government waste, but what does that tell you? Absolutely nothing! The candidate’s supporters think they know what those buzzwords mean, but since the ideas essentially have no meaning, nobody really knows.

Only ugly, vicious attack ads will actually differentiate between the candidates – as little as we want that to be true. They’re everywhere, and they’re not going to go away, so we might as well stop griping about the lack of intelligent conversation in political discourse.

Get used to it, folks. Mudslinging wins elections.

Another political rant by Walt Bittle – Election Day – November 2010

Something Wiki this way comes………………………………

Yesterday in Missouri, the myth-guided folk among us voted to ignore or “nullify” a Federal law, duly passed by the US Congress. These ignoranuses (surely you remember the definition) thought they could actually refuse to associate themselves with the dreaded “Obamacare” (as ridiculous a label as was ever invented by these simpletons with their simple solutions to complicated problems). They voted that people in Missouri will NOT be forced to buy medical insurance, even if it’s basically subsidized by the rest of us. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! They probably would have voted against those dreaded “death panels” as well.

Now who’s going to pay medical expenses for those people who feel they have the “freedom” not to insure themselves? Don’t the rest of us have to pay more so the hospitals can provide free medical care for them? And aren’t those hospitals required to provide that care, even for people who choose to ignore a Federal law?

Where’s Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson when we need him?

2. GARAGE MAHAL (n): An oversized house, with the primary distinguishing characteristic being an oversized three-or-four-car garage to house the SUV’s, RV’s, boats, and other essential family vehicles.

3. MOLASSOCHIST (n): One who derives pleasure from making processes painfully slow, like some DMV employees – and most lawyers who charge by the hour.

4. THINKO (n): A thinking mistake, like a typo in mindwaves; a slip of the mind. [e.g. All my mistakes are obviously just thinkos!]

5. DEROGONYM (n): An alternative name given to a thing, usually a company or product, which is derived from the actual name – and derogatory in nature. [e.g. Don’t you think the coffee tastes burnt at Charbucks?]

6. FAKEUCCINO (n): Convenience store machine-made cappuccinos and lattes. [e.g. Charbucks was closed, so we had to settle for a fakeuccino.]

7. CONQUIRE (v): To answer a question with a question. [e.g. “Why do you always answer a question with a question? “Do I”, he conquired?]

8. IMPASTA (n): When the waiter brings you a type of pasta you didn’t order, or makes a substitution without your knowledge.

9. SHREVIDENCE (n): Paper documents that could have been considered evidence in legal matters that have been mechanically shredded prior to their availability as evidence. [e.g. Any piece of paper at The White House.]

10. GESUNDTIME (n): The time between the moment you realize you’re going to sneeze and the actual sneeze itself.

11. DOGGAGE (n): A dog that is carried like or handled like baggage. [e.g. Paris Hilton’s dog is doggage. Its legs never touch the ground.]

12. WINTERNMENT ( n): The state of being forced inside due to inclement weather. [e.g. This last winternment lasted almost three weeks.]

13. BANGALORED (v): To have one’s job “outsourced” overseas, most likely to a country where they pretend to speak English.

14. GARFUNKELY (adj): Having hair that is proportionately too large for the body on which it exists.

15. DEHYDROPHIC (n): One who is unreasonably afraid of dehydration or even being slightly thirsty. [e.g. She always carries a bottle of water, so she must be dehydrophobic.]

16. COUNTERSTINK (n): An odor used to mask another odor, as in almost all home deodorant systems.

17. IGNOY (v): To annoy by ignoring. [e.g. Stop ignoying me! Say something, even if it’s wrong!]

18. ESGRAPEE (n); The lone grape that falls onto the floor and rolls to the most inaccessible location in the room, as one opens the packaging in which the grapes are being stored.

19. PHONESIA (n): The affliction of dialing a phone number and then forgetting who you were calling just as they answer.

20. FLATUGLANCE (n): The dirty look given by someone who realizes that one of the people in his or her presence must be responsible for the foul odor in the immediate vicinity.

Your turn . . .

Plagiarized from unknown sources and upgraded by Walt Bittle – June 2010

2. Health insurance companies will no longer be allowed to deny people coverage because of preexisting conditions—or to drop coverage when people become sick.³

3. Just like members of Congress, individuals and small businesses who can’t afford to purchase insurance on their own will be able to pool together and choose from a variety of competing plans with lower premiums.⁴

4. Reform will cut the federal budget deficit by $138 billion over the next ten years, and a whopping $1.2 trillion in the following ten years.⁵

5. Health care will be more affordable for families and small businesses thanks to new tax credits, subsidies, and other assistance—paid for largely by taxing insurance companies, drug companies, and the very wealthiest Americans.⁶

6. Seniors on Medicare will pay less for their prescription drugs because the legislation closes the “donut hole” gap in existing coverage.⁷

7. By reducing health care costs for employers, reform will create or save more than 2.5 million jobs over the next decade.⁸

8. Medicaid will be expanded to offer health insurance coverage to an additional 16 million low-income people.⁹

9. Instead of losing coverage after they leave home or graduate from college, young adults will be able to remain on their families’ insurance plans until age 26.¹⁰

10. Community health centers would receive an additional $11 billion, doubling the number of patients who can be treated regardless of their insurance or ability to pay.¹¹